Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
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A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya