Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo