Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
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Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.