Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Never mess with a drunken pig.

synchronized noseblowing

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham