Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I