Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
You Might Also Like
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay