Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
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oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Wait a minute…
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
A new level of troll.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!