Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
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The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
What if all the cashiers are married?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”