Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.