Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter