Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks