Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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Meow
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
how long have you had this for?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.