Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.