Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
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My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Follow me for more life hacks.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
#dalle2
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves