Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

I am crying

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.