Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

You might just have to resign…

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

WTF