Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”