Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone