Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese