Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait a minute….

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.