me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
You Might Also Like
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My friend is an excellent librarian.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”