me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Generation gap…
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
🤣🤣
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.