me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually