me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Stop sending me this shit.
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host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Hmmmmm
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase