me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.