me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Wednesday
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics