me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah