me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!