me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
seriously you guys
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
“Worm Regards”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.