Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS