Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Monday

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3