Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Woke up with morning Yule Log

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work