Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really