Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Cndnsd Mlk
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.