Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

LOL

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

why neck hurt

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case