Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!