Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

#merica

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

quarantine day 3

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it