Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.