Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

#Caturday

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

I know this now 😂

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.