Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
for all #parents out there
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
new shirt idea
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.