Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”