Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4