Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
