Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
oh shit
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
WHO DID THIS?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
