Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Check your privilege

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

no such thing as a dumb question

Is your wife single?

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

?¿

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Bobby pin

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?