Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

The police never think its as funny as you do.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

ㅤ

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!