ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
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Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels