Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!