Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”