Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.