me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
my sentiments exactly
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.