Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.