Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
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Does your wife know you’re single?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets