ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
This came to me in a dream.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Thank you corporation very cool