Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

CUTE CAT‼︎

hi why am I like this

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders