Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.