Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.