Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?