Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Wait a minute

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?