Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang