Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder