Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!