My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
These are my roll models.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
i will avenge u mr van gogh