Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

Jesus Christ lmao

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.