me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello