Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why