Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*