Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
socratic questions
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.