Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*