Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

the way this pissed me off… 😭

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.