Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

This hospital has everything