Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.