Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
☠️ ☠️
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
asking santa clause for nudes
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”