Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.